An Approval Seeker.
A Black Sheep.
Tonight I received an email that made me 'insert foot in mouth'. I said something that was perceived as unsympathetic and careless. As I write this, I am feeling embarrassed. And Emotional. And kicking myself for not thinking through every word that I typed. Not sure how to proceed with a fear that I will make it worse.
A couple of weeks ago, I realized I had hurt someone and decided to apologize. They did not respond in the way that I thought they would. I am caught in limbo, unsure of where I stand with this person. Unable to fix it. Uncomfortable.
I work with an incredible colleague whom everyone seems to love, including me. She is extroverted, energetic, lovable, and bold. Her opinion and her help is sought out by so many. She is complemented and gifted. I stand in the shadows comparing myself to how she has made waves in her one year of work compared to my small ripples in four years.
After stepping away from so many activities and groups prior to giving birth, I have attempted to find my place again. I haven't connected and feel left out. I struggle with where I am supposed to be - finding a tribe of people who accept me for me.
For so long, I have identified with so many of these labels. In a way, they have become the prescription for uncomfortable circumstances. You know the ones I am talking about. The ones where we start to see less of the circumstance for what it is, and start asking the questions like, "What is it about me?"
It's much easier to succumb to what we already call ourselves by, then actually working to know what God is calling us to be or rather, who He already knows us as.
It is as if by our own diagnosis of our problem - we expect healing, instead of recognizing the step beyond that.
God is no placebo pill. And the healing doesn't end in the waiting room.
How often do we turn our chains of bondage into jewels of pride?
That's the question that I have been asking myself. Am I holding onto these labels because they feel more comfortable than what God sees me as?
I think it is time to exchange these chains for something less heavy. less strenuous. less do-it-by-myself. less heartbreaking. less shame.
Jesus said, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:30)
I am beloved.
I am delighted in.
I am adopted into God's Family.
I am set apart.
I am never alone.
I am a masterpiece.
I am whole in Christ.
I am bold.
Hi, my name is Tabitha and I am...
Righteous in the Eyes of the Creator
A God Seeker
Created, Loved, and Adopted by the Father
Secure in Him
Anchored to the Most High
Made Pure and Blameless by Jesus Christ